Too much coffee...

And not enough homework.

I think it's time to get some things off my chest.

I never really realized how much I hate it here until last weekend. My grandpa died last week and within hours I was on a plane back to Minnesota. I know it was a sad occasion, but that was the overall happiest I have been in a long time. I got to spend time with my daughter, my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. And my horse.

I didn't know why Kobe's death affected me like it did until last Sunday. Kobe was my Thelma down here. Growing up, Thelma was my best friend. I told that horse everything and anything I could. She never judged, never offered advice. But she listened. Most of the time I just needed to hear things outloud to make a decision, other times to realize how stupid I was being. Kobe did that for me here. I miss that dog like crazy. I still feel an emptiness when I remember he's gone.

I used to see those commercials for depression and roll my eyes. After the last couple months though, I understand how it is to just NOT be able to pick yourself back up. I used to be able to. I would get in a funk and just decide to change my attitude. And I would. I would just be better. Admitting this is the best thing I have done in a long time.

I could make a list of things I want to do better. But I will start with one thing at a time. When I get that one thing done, I will be sure to blog about it.

New Year's Resolution, take 54

New Year's resolutions. Every year, I start after Christmas. Thinking, that is. Thinking of that perfect resolution I CAN do, and WILL do this coming year. Every year January 1st comes and goes without a single inkling of what I should do to perfect myself. It's 27 days past that date and still nothing.

I know I should write a list of what I want to change and go from there (in fact, I started one. I got depressed with the length of it, so I deleted it). The thing is, I want it to be something I will enjoy doing. I want to look forward to something I can accomplish.

Since I've married, I've taken on this persona as "The Wife". Not just any wife - the 1950's wife who must clear everything with her husband and does things just to keep him happy. I'm not upset that this happened, I'm not saying I'm going to go all selfish and not give a crap about him anymore. I just want one thing I can do that he's not a huge part of.

Enter The Dresser.

When my brother moved in with us, he needed a dresser. Since I was paying for it, I didn't want to spend hundreds of dollars on it. I searched craigslist for weeks before I found this dresser. The picture didn't look horrible, so for twenty bucks I figured I'd at least call.

Now I'm positive I have a gene in me that is responsible for the next actions. It's also responsible for me overpaying for stuff on eBay. A gene, human nature, something besides common sense.

I called the number, talked to the guy and set up a time to come out to see it. He told me there were other people interested (as all craiglisters will say), so I hurried out to see it. I called my sister in law, we drove out to Bernalillo, got lost and drove through a questionable neighborhood (twice).

We finally found the place, met Brian and he showed us the dresser. I fell in love with the mirror and the dresser looked like it needed a couple things here and there. He mentioned that someone was coming right after me to look at it, and the gene kicked in. I bought the damn twenty dollar dresser.

Now most people are snoozing off by now (if anyone even reads this). But you have to know why I'm so proud of the dresser at this point. Since I moved down here, I haven't done anything without the husband. I don't drive farther than Kohl's or Walmart. I make sure it's ok before I leave, just in case. The husband hates this - he wishes I'd do more on my own, but I just don't. No clue why. In Minnesota, I felt like I drove for a living - it wasn't uncommon to fill my gas tank times a week. Here, I haven't pumped gas once.

Anyway, this dresser was MY idea. I drove specifically to look at it, paid for it with my money. I made the decision to buy it and restore it. I loaded it (with help of course!), I hauled it home. Selfish, yes, but this was MINE!